Dear Stephen Colbert,
Occupy Seattle would like to invite you to be our honored guest at a
very special double birthday party the weekend of January 20th and
21st. We know you probably have other things to do, but we think this
is more important.
As you may be aware, the “Citizens United vs. Federal Election
Commission” decision is turning two years old on January 20th and we
thought it would be nothing short of criminal if we did not celebrate
the second anniversary of corporate emancipation. On that date two
years ago, the Supreme Court ruled that, because corporations are
people too, they are entitled to the same first amendment rights as
the rest of us fleshy mortals. In a narrow 5-4 decision, the court
finally put an end to the discriminatory practice of treating
corporations as second-class citizens, for no other reason than that
they lack physical bodies and the physical organs to sustain
them(including, but not limited to, hearts) and, in doing so,
rectified one of the greatest and most glaring injustices of our time.
Finally, after so many decades of struggle, corporations can finally
express themselves freely, and spend as much money as they want doing
it as the rest of us.
Being as we are incapable of detecting blatant sarcasm, we can tell
from your show that you are one of the most passionate advocates of
corporate rights alive in America today–second only to Newscorp,
FoxNews, and the vast majority of their employees. Since none of those
people returned our phone calls, we are reaching out to you. We’re
hoping that you might join us for this two-day celebration. There will
be music, marches, and lectures by human-people. There will also be
mock trials for some of the corporate-people who have given corporate
personhood a bad name by doing things like stealing other people’s
houses and dumping poisonous chemicals on other people’s
farmland(including, but not limited to, JP Morgan Chase and Monsanto).
If you can’t come, or just don’t feel like flying to the West Coast
for the beginning of Citizen’s United’s terrible twos, could you, at
the very least, plug the event on your show? That would be cool.